|
|
ARTICLES:
Eurasian Experience
Too
Yellow to be White, Too White to Be Yellow By Kumiko O'Connor December 2002 My name is Kathleen O'Connor. In there, hidden, lies my middle name Kumiko. All my life I had gone by the name Kathleen but recently I started having people call me Kumiko. On a superficial level, I chose to make this change because let's be honest, Kumiko is a much prettier and more unique name than Kathleen. On a deeper level, renaming myself represents the act of reclaiming my Asian side. In the past year I have done a lot soul searching and digging up memories from the not-so-far past. Exploring the changes my identity has seen is an essential part of this inner voyage. Up until high school, I spent most of my life on a U.S. Naval Base in Japan. All of my friends on the base were either Hapas like me or Filipino. I spent those memorable years eating lots of good Japanese food, having fun with my crew, and clinging to my Japanese side. At that time and place, being white was the last thing I wanted to be. However, toward the end of middle school, I got fed up with being like all the other Asian girls. Listening to the same rap and R&B, wearing the same styles and brands, and conforming altogether. Maybe it was that cliche "search for identity" that the average teen goes through during puberty. Aside from whatever it was, I knew something in my life was lacking. Outwardly, I started to change. I began to dress differently, listen to alternative rock, and I tried to befriend the very few white people there were on the base. At that school, the only categories you could fit into were "rapper" or "skater" and I fell uncomfortably somewhere in-between. And at my school, the whiter you were, the more you were hassled. I used to try to be as Asian as possible, but then I just wanted to rebel against the fact that everyone was so racially divisive and stereotypical. When my parents were in the midst of their divorce, I made the decision to move to Virginia with my dad and new step mom. I wanted to escape the mad stereotypes. I pictured America as a friendly, fun, and happening place where I would be accepted with my "white girl" identity. So I left Japan. When I arrived in Virginia, I was shocked to find that I didn't fit in, despite the fact that I dressed the same and listened to the same music. The people at school were not friendly at all and everyone's personalities and interests were just so different from what I was used to. I was sad and homesick. I missed everything about Japan and the people there. I spent a lot of time alone in the beginning of high school and I was confused about who I was and what I was becoming. I had no one to talk to about these issues and no outlet for this inner tension. I just felt too yellow to be white and too white to be yellow. Something only a Hapa would understand. As high school came to a close, I felt more optimistic about life in general, but it still didn't stimulate the little Japanese girl inside. Then I decided to head out to this crazy cool college in Washington state which is almost all-white. There my interest in my Japanese culture was revived, probably because of the lack of Asian presence. There I began to crave Asianness. I started doing these breakdancing workshops, which was totally reminiscent of the b-boys on my base in Japan and I joined the Asian Students In Alliance club. There I met a Chinese American girl named Yuh-Line who upped my Asian pride and opened my eyes to the racism that often occurs right under our nose. For so long I was blind to the issues that plagued people of color but talking to Yuh-Line and studying African culture got the wheels turning in my anti-oppressive brain. Stereotypes are what bug me the most. I look back at myself and what I was like in middle school and laugh. I was so concerned with image and didn't realize that people should just like whatever they want, ignoring if that makes them a "skater" or whatever label you want to put on them. Racial stereotypes also irk me, especially because for the longest time I have been ignorant to them. Some stereotypes I have encountered are that because I am Asian, I am expected to really good at anything that has to do with math, science or technology. I am also perceived to be very feminine and submissive. It is sick to me that so many guys have this Asian women fetish and it is even sicker that I used to fall for it because I know so many of the white guys I have been with were with me for the novelty of it. I am no longer blind to that sort of ignorance. But I definitely find myself feeling out of place in the dating world sometimes because I don't feel like Asian guys would date me because I am too tomboyish or not skinny and girly enough. And now I have to worry that I may just be on any other guy's fetish list. Another thing I can't stand is how it seems that people have to fit into a category or subculture. If you are a hippie, you have to be a vegetarian and listen to the Grateful Dead. If you are a hip hop head you have to wear just the right brand names and talk a certain way. If you are a Buddhist you have to shave your head and dedicate the rest of your life to a monastery. Why can't we just be all those things at once without having to do what is expected? Why can't I love hiking, breakdancing, freestyling, going to hippie festivals, being a book nerd, and being a Buddhist ? I can. It is matter of defying stereotype and being as mixed up in interest as I am in race. My journey in exploring my white side and Japanese side is far from over. For this exploration is my life. I'll learn a little bit every day. Incorporating the best of both worlds into my life is my goal. I feel equally comfortable in both my Japanese and American culture. I am not going to choose one over the other. It is all about maintaining a healthy balance. Nothing is better than variety. And I have that right in my name. About
the Author |
Articles
|
|